The need to be a bit more of an immature emo-kid.
I'm definitely not sure I'm ready.
I definitely AM sure I really don't freaking want to be at Northwest next year, because I know what's going to happen... The first years that I really like are all either growing apart from me (quickly) or leaving and the second years will be gone. I don't want to be that awkward third year who hangs around all the time and whom people are kind of like: Dang, she needs to move on with her life.
To the regular college students, I'm still going to be "an academy kid"--it doesn't matter how long I stay here or how many classes I take. To anyone who went here while I've been here (and some who are new even), I'm still just an academy kid (unless I hide it, which I shouldn't have to do).
Which, in the friend department... Leaves me with Alex. Who goes home every weekend. (Not that I don't love her to death anyways)
On top of that, mom just bought a new car. A nice new car that we needed... But I don't know.
I'm trying not to be super-immature about this, which is why I didn't say anything to mom (because I KNOW I'm being immature) but... Well, here we go.
So over the summer, I fell in love with ABJDs. I have Allura, but my dream doll has always been Shall from DOD. She'll be around $700 (including an outfit) when all is said and done. I KNOW she's expensive, but I've been saving my money as much as possible to try and pay for her... In change, I have around $50 (which isn't bad, considering I don't typically use a debit card). I believe I have another $40 waiting in my savings account for her, too.
Which means that if I save up a bit more allowance and some pay from this summer... With the money I could get at graduation, I might have had enough to afford her.
Even if I didn't have quite enough, I should still have enough to pick up a couple things for myself that I really wanted (some DVDs and whatnot) and get pretty close to my goal for her.
Except that not long after Shall, I discovered Alienware--the company that I would like to buy my dream-laptop from. Now, at the beginning of the year, mom seriously tossed around buying it for me, and we talked about it a lot, and she was supposed to talk with Grandma and help split the cost between them and it was to be a graduation and 18th birthday present (and maybe some Christmas too). But as the year progressed, mom became more and more distant about it (more and more dodgy when asked). I ignored it, however, because when I was failing my classes and needed something to keep me going... That was it. Honestly, I've never really cared THAT much about school, but normally my parents are enough to keep me going. But this year was rough for me and it took more than that; that laptop was IT.
My friends can attest to my sitting around and sighing longingly (I'm sure it was plenty awkward) at my computer screen for months. I created and recreated variations of builds for the thing at least once a week every week (and typically I would make 5-6 a day on the days I decided to play with it).
I researched the crap out of it even, to make sure we would be getting everything we'd be paying for.
But grandma is cranky and mom doesn't want to talk with her.
And now mom bought a car and (half) jokingly told me we might be eating yogurt for a few months.
And now it's a matter of: 'We'll tell everyone you want money instead of gift cards so that you can put it away for a new laptop.'
So there goes Shall.
And there goes my laptop for quite a while, since I seriously doubt I'll get enough to pay for it.
I just... I don't know. I know I'm being really immature, which is why I didn't tell mom why I sounded so sad on the phone. But at the same time, it's like, you know, I wasn't even freaking good enough to get into my dream college... At least I have control over dreams I can buy, right? Except not really.
And honestly (back to the subject of college), deep down, I'm kind of ashamed to tell people that I'm going to Northwest. Especially my classmates... I mean, everyone in the class nearly knows where I'm going now and no one is staying here but me. When they ask me where I'm going and I have to tell them: "I'm staying here" it's like I might as well be telling them "I was too stupid to apply to fifteen colleges" or "I dreamt too big and wasn't good enough for the places I wanted to go".
I'm just really upset and I wish life worked out the way I wanted it to.
Maybe I'll nap.
surprised


