So... I'm graduating in *checks count-down* 6 days, 9 hours, 39 minutes, and 30 seconds (as of right now).
I'm definitely not sure I'm ready.
I definitely AM sure I really don't freaking want to be at Northwest next year, because I know what's going to happen... The first years that I really like are all either growing apart from me (quickly) or leaving and the second years will be gone. I don't want to be that awkward third year who hangs around all the time and whom people are kind of like: Dang, she needs to move on with her life.
To the regular college students, I'm still going to be "an academy kid"--it doesn't matter how long I stay here or how many classes I take. To anyone who went here while I've been here (and some who are new even), I'm still just an academy kid (unless I hide it, which I shouldn't have to do).
Which, in the friend department... Leaves me with Alex. Who goes home every weekend. (Not that I don't love her to death anyways)

On top of that, mom just bought a new car. A nice new car that we needed... But I don't know.
I'm trying not to be super-immature about this, which is why I didn't say anything to mom (because I KNOW I'm being immature) but... Well, here we go.

So over the summer, I fell in love with ABJDs. I have Allura, but my dream doll has always been Shall from DOD. She'll be around $700 (including an outfit) when all is said and done. I KNOW she's expensive, but I've been saving my money as much as possible to try and pay for her... In change, I have around $50 (which isn't bad, considering I don't typically use a debit card). I believe I have another $40 waiting in my savings account for her, too.
Which means that if I save up a bit more allowance and some pay from this summer... With the money I could get at graduation, I might have had enough to afford her.
Even if I didn't have quite enough, I should still have enough to pick up a couple things for myself that I really wanted (some DVDs and whatnot) and get pretty close to my goal for her.

Except that not long after Shall, I discovered Alienware--the company that I would like to buy my dream-laptop from. Now, at the beginning of the year, mom seriously tossed around buying it for me, and we talked about it a lot, and she was supposed to talk with Grandma and help split the cost between them and it was to be a graduation and 18th birthday present (and maybe some Christmas too). But as the year progressed, mom became more and more distant about it (more and more dodgy when asked). I ignored it, however, because when I was failing my classes and needed something to keep me going... That was it. Honestly, I've never really cared THAT much about school, but normally my parents are enough to keep me going. But this year was rough for me and it took more than that; that laptop was IT.
My friends can attest to my sitting around and sighing longingly (I'm sure it was plenty awkward) at my computer screen for months. I created and recreated variations of builds for the thing at least once a week every week (and typically I would make 5-6 a day on the days I decided to play with it).
I researched the crap out of it even, to make sure we would be getting everything we'd be paying for.

But grandma is cranky and mom doesn't want to talk with her.
And now mom bought a car and (half) jokingly told me we might be eating yogurt for a few months.
And now it's a matter of: 'We'll tell everyone you want money instead of gift cards so that you can put it away for a new laptop.'

So there goes Shall.
And there goes my laptop for quite a while, since I seriously doubt I'll get enough to pay for it.

I just... I don't know. I know I'm being really immature, which is why I didn't tell mom why I sounded so sad on the phone. But at the same time, it's like, you know, I wasn't even freaking good enough to get into my dream college... At least I have control over dreams I can buy, right? Except not really.

And honestly (back to the subject of college), deep down, I'm kind of ashamed to tell people that I'm going to Northwest. Especially my classmates... I mean, everyone in the class nearly knows where I'm going now and no one is staying here but me. When they ask me where I'm going and I have to tell them: "I'm staying here" it's like I might as well be telling them "I was too stupid to apply to fifteen colleges" or "I dreamt too big and wasn't good enough for the places I wanted to go".

I'm just really upset and I wish life worked out the way I wanted it to.

Maybe I'll nap.

I feel bad for not updating recently and I wanted to have a tiny pity party, even if just for a moment...

That being said:

I'm tired, un-motivated, sitting around at 3AM with a crap-ton of homework and studying left to do, and it sucks. It's my fault, I know, I know, I know... But it still sucks really hard. And I hate it.
Also, I want to go home, sleep for a zillion hours, and let mom take care of me for a few days. (And visit Carleton).

kthxbai.

So, for those you who are not familiar with my newest OCD obsession—it’s a repeat.

DDR.

Yeah, you heard me—that crazy game with the feet and the arrows… It’s glorious. I’m not really into sports or anything because I suck at interacting with people, truth be told (teamwork is not my forte). DDR, however…

When you play DDR you get to be in your own little world, regardless of who you’re playing with—when your feet are hitting those arrows, no one is in your bubble (or else they’ll get stepped on or, often in my case, inadvertently smacked in the face) and you are free to do as you please. When you move into heavier songs, there is no time for thought—the harder the steps become, the more concentration it requires.

I’m not, by any means, queen of DDR… But I’m certainly not bad, and I’m dedicating myself to the game as of late. I catch on very quickly and improve just as fast. Right now I’m in the process of switching from “standard” mode to “heavy” mode, which I’m quite proud of! ^__^ My biggest problem lies in my endurance—I can only hit so many BAMBAMBAM arrows one after another in a row before my legs cease to function… Normally it’s about half a song >.<

By way of coordination, I’ve had about three heavy songs now that I legitimately had problems with, outside of endurance.

Anyways, I really love it a lot ^_____^ I can’t wait until I’m good enough that I’m confident playing at an arcade (on a raised, metal dance pad <3) or even at a tournament at a con! ^.^ I think it’d be lots of fun… I’ve never really seen a DDR tourney, but I’m thinking I may try to keep up with the next one I run into at a con!

Ellen, (occasionally) Kate, Nicole, Kayla, and I have been playing lots recently! Nicole and I, the majority of the time—we share our love/obsession with the game. I think Nicole’s reasons for liking it probably lie around the same area as mine… But heck if I know. XD

The exercise is great and the game is super-fun, so why not play? I figure, I can walk around campus once or twice, feel a slightly burn in my legs for a minute or two and move on with life… Or I can play DDR for an hour or two, fall over in exhaustion, be forced into a shower from my smell, and feel the burn in my calves for weeks.

I know what I’m choosing! ^.~

My dance pad is going out though… I’m going to have to buy a new one. -.- I’m considering just ordering a copy of DDR X (The 10^th anniversary game) which comes with a pad—it’s $30, but new pads can run up to a hundred and new games up to $40, so it’s a pretty good deal.

We’ll see though! I want mom to bring my good pad up first, anyways… And Nicole says she’s going to try to get her mom to let her bring up two of their pads, that way we have plenty of extra if one goes out, or if someone just prefers one to another.

Well, that’s about it for my late-night DDR rambling! I suppose I’ll be back laterz! <3

P.S. My love of DDR reminded me of a webcomic I used to read when I was younger—the 10k Commotion! It’s a comic about a group of kids who all enter into a $10,000 grand prize DDR Tournament… The tournament itself looks like it would be a lot of fun XD The comic is technically finished, though the ending seems a bit sloppy to me and there’s supposed to have been an epilogue that has yet to see the light of day :/

Overall, however, it’s a great comic! I would definitely recommend it ^__^ Who knows, mebbe I’ll do some fanart of some of it’s pretty ladies some time in the near future XP

(You can read the comic simply by googling “10k Commotion” – It should be the first or second link! I would link you, but this entry was actually written after net cut, so I couldn’t get the link.)

 

Ja ne!

I realized today that I have a crush on someone. -.-
Unfortuanately, she's straight, has a very loving boyfriend that I approve of, and mer. :/

It's kind of weird, realizing it, because I haven't had a crush in AGES, but I suppose I'll get over it; I mean, I'm leaving in a few months and there's just no way. Anyways, even if I did say something to her, I think it would just make our friendship awkward (like they normally do).

Erm, in other news, I bought 4 Hycaniths (sp) with Kate--we split them; I got the blooming one and a little sprout from it, and Kate got three sprouts, but is going to give two away.

(P.S. No, you probably don't know who I have a crush on O.o And it's not someone I talk about all the time...)

Okay, well, it's almost Saturday now!
It didn't really seem like it at first glance, but when I really got to thinking about it, it was a pretty good week!! ^__^

Things that made me smile this week:
1. We passed a guy in the union this week (as we were leaving) who had a shooting star shaved into the side of his head--normally I'm not into that kinda thing, but I thought it was really cool. ^.^
2. "The Cat Returns" OMG--I cannot express how much I ADORE this movie; I just saw it for the first time today, but HOLY COW. I think one of the reasons I like it so much is because I can really relate to the main character. ^.~ Anyways; it's AMAZING.
3. Oogling my potential alienware computer... I suppose that, even if I don't get one in the end, I still LOVE looking at them and daydreaming about one.
4. Finding out that Dream of Doll released the New D.O.T. bodies with the old line of dolls! This means that when I order my Shall, I'll be able to get her with a new body!!! <3<3<3
5. The fact that Abian AND Metanoia updated on the same day! My beloved webcomic masters, thou hast not abandoned me after all! <3 (Kidding, I'm just being dramatic because I'm in a good mood. ^.~)
6. The trailer for the "Illuminated" animated series--It's so awesome! http://illuminated.com/
7. The new DeviantArt profiles! I had seen some betas floating around and I loved them, so I'm super excited they were finally released to the public! <3

Now I'm off to do some homework that REALLY needs done; hopefully if I work hard on it now I won't have piles to do all weekend/Sunday.

P.S. I'm quitting soda >.> I'm so addicted; like, to the point where I took out a two-liter of Coke in a little less than two days. I'm glad to say I'm not addicted to the caffeine, but just the taste rather... Anyways, I want a soda REALLY bad, but I asked everyone to help out and make sure I don't have anymore. -.- I tried a life water today and it was... okay, I suppose. I really wished I liked tea or apple juice or something though -.- I'm already like, I don't want soda per se--I just don'twant water! But oh well *dramatic sigh* Just gotta make it past the three-day hump ^.~

So, eons ago, I did this thing where you search "YOURNAME needs" on google... And it was kinda cool, so I thought I would do it again. ^__^

"Amanda Needs:"
1. Amanda needs to pee.
2. Amanda needs some direction.
3. Amanda needs to get help busting skulls, not new friends.
4. Amanda needs your vote!
5. Amanda needs a small config change.
6. Amanda Needs Two of Them to Outshine Mrs. Tittle-Tattle.
7. Amanda needs a better storyline
8. Amanda needs to get over it.
9. Amanda needs help! OH BABY!
10. Amanda needs to go shopping.

XD I don't think it's as fun as it was last time, but that's okay. ^__^
You should try it!

Well, allow me to start by saying that I have LOTS of homework to do. >.> All from Calculus II, of course.
I'm going to do it, but I SO don't want to... T.T

I suppose what's really on my mind, however, is College. (Yes, it get's capitalized now!)
I'm really, really afraid to leave the happy, nerdy confines of the Missouri Academy. I've grown super-attached to my friends--but, well, how can you not when you live with a group of people for two years?
At the same time, however, I'm really excited for the future. I want to turn 18, venture out into the wide world (as much as I can)to explore, learn, feel, and love... I can't wait to return to choir, get back into tech work, happily take English and Programming classes all day long, join new organizations and make new friends!

-If I end up at Carleton, I want to go see the Accidentals in Concert;
" Anyways, the Accidentals are a group of a cappella-singin' women from Carleton College in Northfield, MN who thrive on their mutual love of song and sisterhood. And chocolate bunnies. Years after our 1991 founding, we still adhere to the mission of our founders and continue to explore the beauty and myster of cheesy 80's music. We also try to include in our repertoire songs that speak to what it means to be a woman and to be a human being. But most of all, we try to have fun with our music and hope our audiences do the same."
-I want to read the Bald Spot:
" The Bald Spot is a satirical newspaper publication that will provide the Carleton community with an outlet for individuals to practice and expand their creative abilities. "
-I want to hang out with the Carleton Anime Society
-I want to visit a couple Carleton In And Out meetings! ("Carleton In and Out (CIAO) is a welcoming, queer centered group open to Carleton's LGBTA and questioning community. We meet every other week to hang out, eat, and discuss all kinds of queer-themed topics. CIAO works to make meetings open, safe, confidential, and welcoming to all.")
-Learn how to use a Naginata
-Attend some Japanese Circle meetings

And the list goes on!
Carleton has so many amazing organizations and people... Anime junkies, gamers, nerds, geeks, artists, muscians, druids, glbts, and more... I'm fascinated by everything that happens there and all the people who help to make it happen.

Other misc facts:
-Oregon Trail was developed at Carleton!
-Streaking is popular, apparently.
-A scene from "D3: The Mighty Ducks" was filmed in the Great Hall in Carleton's Severence Hall.
-The Producer of the Lord of the Rings graduated from Carleton.
-The Cave, the oldest student-run pub in the United States, is a popular hang out for Carleton students.

Awesome Carleton Is video:
http://apps.carleton.edu/admissions/character/carleton_is/


...
I hope I make it...
 

Oh man... I'm definitely super tired tonight! Which is, of course, precisely why my promised Friday updatage is running late.
Not a WHOLE bunch to say about this week... Most of it should get covered in the things that made me smile.

Things that made me smile this week:
1. Getting back and seeing everyone--especially Ellen, Kate, and Grace.
2. Jessica waking up early on Monday morning to make us 8AM's cinnamon rolls! They didn't get done before we went to class, but they were still delicious a few hours later... And it was such a nice gesture! <3
3. Finishing up the last of my college applications!!! I'M FREE! (Except for the money part, but that's beside the point)
4. This: www.anonymousspace.com/albums/userpics/112625/imagineyouis4.jpg
5. Feeling really smart in my Calc II class, which is full of college students. >.>
6. The future. <3

Other than that...

Well, I started my period. XD And I didn't kill anyone over it!
Oh yes... And I worked out 4 days! I was feeling kinda crappy on Wednesday, so I didn't (and neither did Kate or Ellen because of it, unfortunately), but oh well! I'll try hard to get all 5 days next week. I even worked out today, though I took it REALLY slow and took a jillion breaks and didn't do "awesome abs" because I'm on my period and in muchos painos, but I still tried!

Anyways, I'm off to bed. I worked hard to find an appropriate avatar for such an occassion and I shall use it! Feast your eyes on THAT! (I really did spend like 20 minutes searching for that avatar.)
 

 

Well, I wanted to start updating this a bit more, so I'm going to try!

Anyways, I'm feeling pretty good today. ^__^ I got almost everything I needed to do yesterday done! All I have left to do on my college essays is gather a bit of information from mom and finish up a few short essays (I got all of my transcripts sent--and I even paid northwest's fees for it in cash, so mom wouldn't have to worry about it)

Kate, Kayla, Ellen, and I all exercised yesterday, too! ^.^ We popped in a cheezy workout video and went to! I'm a teensy bit sore today, but I'm confident that I can keep doing it ^__^ 

PLUS I got eight+ hours of sleep last night >.> Honestly, I'm still a bit tired, but I figure after a week or so of actually getting eight hours, it'll adjust and realize that I don't need 14 hours of sleep to be rested. It's kind of annoying to have to go to bed so early on Sundays, Tuesdays, and Thursdays, but I wake up pretty early on those days because of it, so I still have lots of time to get everything done.

Anyways, I need to put on some pants, make my bed, and get my room opened up--Then it's off to class! I have Calc II and Gov kind of back to back--it's rather nice, actually. I have Calc II from 11-12, and Gov from 12:35 to 1:50.

Well, I'm off!

In honor of my essay, and the start of the new year... I'd like to make some small resolutions to myself.

1. Read more! As of late, my life has become so hectic that I've nearly forgotten the joys of a good book... The author I've chosen to help me out is Cornelia Funke; I've always adored her writing style, so Inkheart, Inkspell, and The Thief Lord will be journeying back with me to school.
2. Leave my door open--So what if people stare in my room when it's open? I don't have anything to hide, and I think my room is pretty awesome.
3. Smile more--Laugh more. I'm going to try and find little things that make me smile each day.
4. Remember to appreciate and be fascinated by everything; nature, technology, etc. It's amazing--appreciate it!

I'd also like to start working out... Right now, I'd like to get up early each day of the week and go jogging/walking, do sit-ups three days a week, and play DDR on the weekends.
I always say this, but well >.> I'm going to keep trying!

I saw something today that I rather liked, too! I saw a blog where, at the end of each week, the person writing the blog wrote down a list of things that had made them smile throughout the week--I think this is a great idea.
Even though it's technically Sunday, I think I'll do it today! After today, however, I'm only going to do this on Fridays (after class lets out)

Things that made me smile this week:
1. Finishing up my "big essay" for commonapp.org! Even though I still have short answer questions to do, finishing that essay was a HUGE weight off my shoulders... Plus, I really, really, REALLY liked it when all was said and done.
2. Saying good bye to everyone on palace--even though it was really sad to say good bye to everyone until Spring Break, everyone was so nice and I had like 5 people tell me they loved me and would miss me. <3
3. Having someone contact me on Deviantart to say that Allura was adorable and that the two of us had had a part in her decided to buy two of the Everpurple Triplets for herself.
4. Talking with a brilliant 6th grader about VAMPY, lesbians, and anime.
5. www.BringTheAwesome.com

Sooo... I'm posting my main college essay here because I love it, and I want people to shower me with compliments about it.
(Kidding! XD (mostly.......) )
Erm, anyways, here go you! ^__^ I'm super-duper excited about it... And yes, I realize that an essay should be more than a page and a half, but the minimum is 250 words, so I figure I'm doing pretty good.

A Definite Refusal to Accept the Sheer Normality of "Growing Up"

                Three months ago (during the first chilly clutches of November), I began preparing for Christmas. You see, in October of 2008 I was struck by a certain “Christmas Fever;” my life had been a confusing roller coaster for months by that point and I was ready for something I could understand… I found that something in Christmas. My constant festive enthusiasm served me quite well at school and even brought myself and my peers closer together, but once I arrived back home (to my small world of “adults”) I was in for a surprise.

                That surprise was that no one in my family seemed excited about Christmas at all (short of my 12 year old step-brother). Even my father, who raised me to be the Christmas-loving fool I am now, seemed to be dreading the fateful day. It did not take long for my frustration with my Scrouge-esque family to mount and eventually, while we were driving away from the final portion of our seasonal shopping epic, I asked my step-mother what her (and everyone else’s ) problem was this year. Her answer, as simple as it was, made me realize a lot of things about myself—to put it short, it was life-changing. She told me that as you grow older, you simply do not like Christmas as much. Later, my mother gave me the same answer to the same question.

                The entire thing quickly escalated into a rather heated argument between myself and Vanessa, my step-mom, since we are both rather stubborn people. However, it was the final statement of the argument that will forever stand alone in my memory, as it is something I have since vowed to live by: “Well, then I guess I just refuse to grow up.”

                That day, I decided that if growing up meant that I would have to leave behind my childhood, toss away all my enthusiasm for technologic advances, and shed my mental adaptability… Then growing up simply would not be on my life’s agenda. Looking back at it all, it was a simple decision, really, but one that I am happy to say I made.

                One of the portions of my argument with my step-mom that led most to my refusal to grow up came when we began to discuss technology. Like many of the adults I surround myself by when I am home, she is a victim of what I like to call “Old Person Romanticism:” the desire to have things back to the way they were “back in her day.” When the subject of technology and our ever-changing world came up, she began to argue that things had changed for the worse; that everything was so complicated nowadays and she really wished that things could be back to how they were when she was a child. Now, I, for one, am a lover of Technology. I feel that our world has incredible potential and I know that we can create many of the things that myself—along with various Science Fiction writers—have dreamed up. More than that, we can probably do it within my lifetime! Because of this, hearing adults like my step-mother complain about today’s technology truly offends me… It is even MORE offensive when they claim they have that right to these complaints simply because they have grown into their Old Person Romanticism. I have decided that I if I live to be one-hundred years old and on the day of my hundredth birthday some amazing, complex, fascinating piece of technology is released to the public, I want to be more than happy to take full advantage of it. If “growing up” means losing that appreciation of technology, then it is not something I want to experience.

                Growing up, as most adults define it, seems to me to be a sort of barrier against change. For a child, it seems like nothing when huge changes come into their worlds; they adapt perfectly. Adults, on the other hand, are a completely different story. Unfortunately, in our ever-changing society, adaptability is vital. On a much simpler level, however, being able to change and adapt makes life much more enjoyable—and I certainly want to be able to enjoy my life. I remember when I was younger and the Pokemon T.V. series had just come out… Despite the fact that the show is rather simplistic in comparison to most of the complex plots of today’s television, many of the grown-ups around me at the time complained that the show was just “too complex” and for that reason, stated that they did not like it. To this day, it easy for me to conclude that I am definitely glad I do not think that way, because I LOVE Pokemon. It is amazing to me that sometimes many adults are not willing to accept changes as small as the complexity of a cartoon. The wall that rejects change and seems to come hand in hand with growing up is just one more of the reasons that I refuse to grow up—I want enjoy my life to the fullest and I know that that means accepting whatever changes (large or small) that come my way.

                During the conversation I had with my mom about Christmas, she told me that when you grow older, Christmas becomes nothing more than a rush to get everything done, to have enough money, to do well. I was astonished, because to me, Christmas is about giving, loving, and sharing; though it can be stressful at times, the look of happiness on someone’s face when they get the gift they have been waiting for makes up for every little flaw the season may or may not have. Christmas has always been my favorite holiday and I do not want “growing up” to take that away from me. Looking at Christmas from the “adult” perspective seems to make it infinitely complicated, but looking at it my way is simple: Love and be loved. It makes me wonder, since I am obviously not a grown up now, and everyone around me is, if perhaps it is not the world that grows more complex, but our minds instead--and that shields our perspective like a pair of poorly colored sunglasses. In the end, however, I guess I will never really know, since I do not plan on growing up any time soon.

Lately, I find myself more and more drawn to the world of dreams... It's not that I hate THIS world per se...
It's just that living in a world where you can do ANYTHING is, well, a tempting promise.

I've always been a dreamer, I guess, but sometimes reality sucks us in (as it has me) for LONG periods of time. With the return of money to my life (allowing me to buy ds games, manga, books, etc), combined with the return of Flyff, I begin to long for an alternate reality.
This is, in truth, one of the reasons why I want to live to be an old fart; because I KNOW technology will progress to achieve my dreams soon, I just have to wait for it to get there. And when it does get there, I want to appreciate it... Not just complain about how "complicated things are nowadays" and how much better it was "back in my day."

On that note... I have a fear. I know that if I try (and practice), I can master the art of lucid dreaming--but my fear is that I'll become addicted to it. I mean, there's so many things I want to see and try and experience (many of which are out of the reach of this world, as it stands), and I can do any of them in a dream. So why not just stay there?

I guess being away from my friends and being around family and college and having a job is making me a bit loopy, but what can you do?

Despite my fear, I think I'm still going to try lucid dreaming (I've read up on it quite a bit and have some techniques I can use)... We'll see what happens.

P.S. You should check out the manga/anime "Air Gear"--If I succeed in lucid dreaming, I'm getting myself a wicked pair of air treks.

So... I've become a crafter. I suppose it's a good thing, really, with Christmas coming up and everyone--including myself--being short on money.
In light of this, Christmas presents this year will be hand-made and heartfelt! <3 (with the exception of one or two things that I decided on long ago)

To see my latest craft (a kusudama ball), click on this cut:
( Crafting, nailpolish, and marker-murders! )
To see my Christmas Present plans (excluding those for people who visit this blog), check out this cut: ^__^
( Awww, cute! ) So yeah! That's my crafting fun for the next few weeks. ^__^ Hopefully I'll be able to get everything I want done--and a little more! <3
((Allura wanted to say hi, but the camera was super-blurring her, so no pictures of her tonight. T.T))

" I am 17 and, in this country, I am not legally considered an adult. Honestly, I've seen more porn than half the guys I know and opened my mind to more concepts than most people ever dare to accept. I've been in college for a year now and this year, when I graduate, it will be with an Associate's Degree of Science at the college I attend.

I've still got a long way to go, but certainly not as far as some 18 year old arranged-marriage, conservative, bible-thumping white male that graduated from my high school.

Quite frankly, I like to think of myself as a smart kid, and at 17, there's not much that's going to upset my "sensitive ideals". A nipple is not going to make me pee my pants and neither is a bare thigh. Seeing an image with lots of blood doesn't invoke a homicidal rage in me.
If any sort of violence or immoral compulsions are to be invoked in me, it will be of the vocal sort towards those who insist on censoring the world so that it fits their lovely, perfect-suburban standards. "

I wrote that today and kind of liked it... Thought I might share. ^__^ It was in response to this journal on deviantart:
http://mjranum.deviantart.com/journal/20534741/

P.S. In the middle of updating my journal... That's why my icons have disappeared XP I haven't found a set I particularly like to replace them yet.

It dawned on me tonight--that I'm a senior. I feel like time is zooming past me, and suddenly I wouldn't mind doing it all again.

Starting today, I'm going to make a change.
I've thought to myself A LOT that: "this will be it" and that "I'm really going to do it this time," however, I never follow through. I get busy, distracted, or just depressed for a day—which throws it all off.

There are two things right now that I feel need the most changing:
1. My grades
2. My lifestyle (weight, eating choices, exercise—or rather, the lack thereof, etc)

Most of you probably don't know it, but originally, this blog was created in a spurt of inspiration to do exactly what I want to once more attempt: change. The idea was to put, at the beginning of each entry, my weight and the amount of exercise I had done that day. It didn't last long, however, and pretty soon it became a general sort of blog. However, the title—"Diary of a Cocoon" still remains. I chose it because it represents me—this blog is home to my changes and choices... The time leading up to when I truly become a butterfly.

So, I'm going to step back a bit and reinstate posting my weight at the beginning of each post. It will serve both as a record and a reminder to keep going, even if the end is nowhere near, I know I can reach it. I will only weigh once a week, so even though I will post my weight at the head of each entry, I will only update it once a week (more than likely on the same day each week).

Here are my plans to change (mostly regarding my weight... I'm going to work out a study system, but I won't know how to work it until the time comes):
- On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, I'm going to spend an hour at the gym at SOME POINT during the day. Short of sitting, it doesn't really matter what I'm doing there—I'll probably do some walking, running, and fake-bicycling, but it'll mostly depend on my mood. Some days I may leave early and walk around campus for a bit, if I feel like it.
- On Tuesdays and Thursdays I'm going to wake up early and start the morning with exercise. Glamour had some really awesome exercises in last month's issue I may try, or I may just do some sit-ups. Maybe it'll be a combination of both! \
- On Saturdays, I'm free to do whatever I want, so long as I do something related to the above.
- Sundays are reserved for nothing.
- I herein swear to only have grill works once a week and WOK once a week. Acceptable alternatives include Quizno's sandwiches WITH LETTUCE AND TOMATOES, Java City sandwiches WITHOUT DESSERT, and salad-bar salads without all the extra, fattening crap (...including ranch dressing—hereon out I use Italian as much as possible).
- A good breakfast is NOT a greasy burrito. If I'm on the run I'll down a strawberry pop tart, however, the preferred breakfast includes a mini-cereal and some sort of fruit or muffin.
- The elevator is reserved for extreme illness. Especially considering I now live on SECOND FLOOR. Take the stair, lazy-butt.

I also have a list of things I want to do EVERY DAY. If I have a room to myself, one mirror will be reserved for such a list and I will be dry-erase checking things off each day and erasing them each night.
[ ] Shower
[ ] Comb hair
[ ] Brush teeth (morning)
[ ] Exercise (see aforementioned plan)
[ ] STUDY
[ ] Use face-pads (or other face-cleaning method):
___ Before shower
___ After face has been washed in shower
___ Before going to bed
[ ] Brush teeth (before bed)
Sadly, the above things are all things I have gotten out of the habit of doing—something I wish to rectify.

Because it's nice to have them, I have some goals.
1. Fit into my GORGEOUS previous prom dress by said event.
2. A size sixteen by the end of the year would be wonderful—I size 14/16, small enough to be sold is most name-brand stores, would be heaven-sent.
3. C.O.N.F.I.D.E.N.C.E.
4. I don't have to give too much of a crap about how I look, but I need to not smell and look half-way presentable each day. I don't want a nasty, greasy face and hair.

As a final source of inspiration, I'm going to take some pictures. The kind they take in weight loss commercials—side, front, behind. Every so often, I'll take new ones to remind myself how far I've come.

Finally...
Current weight: 259.5 lbs, last weight check.
Exercise: check back later today.

My day has been made--Thank you Kate. <3

You don't know it yet, but you're getting invited over for fetticioni because of your sheer awesome.
Also, mom doesn't know it either, but she will as soon as she STOPS VACUUMING (crazy OCD woman.)!

<3<3<3<3<3<3
^_____________________________________________________________________^

So yeah, like... I adopted dragons from that dragon cave place--
http://dragcave.net/
--
Here they are:
It'd be swell if you could take like, 2 minutes to click on them. O.o It makes them happy.



P.S. It says they're unnamed right now... I'll name them when they hatch. o.o

OIJOSIJJSKJDLJSDOIJSDFS. UGH.

So, I am presented with a dilemma. I gave this link to the people close to me, whom I trust with all of my life. No one from school, short of people like Natasha and Alex, have it. It isn't a link I give out lightly--especially not to those close to me.

I do not use it with the intent to make people mad, or frustrate everyone.
It's for myself, not everyone else. If I DO make a post regarding someone else, I make it really, really obvious to that person. However, I've only done this once or twice, and those posts were... Well, they were dramatic, to say the least.

Let me repeat that one: THIS FOR MYSELF.
And, to be even more honest and blunt with myself: The only reason other people have this link is because I like being reassured, and sometimes the easiest way to get that is via internet.

The dilemma is that someone close to me has taken information here and used to get mad at me/against me. I had a frightening moment where I almost made previous journal entries private because my feelings were so hurt--and they still are; don't get me wrong. However, I decided against it. And I will continue to use this small area of the web as I wish, because why:
Because it's mine.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Anyways, you can probably tell that my day hasn't gotten much better. I didn't have a bad time at Qdoba and when Dad, Mom, and I hung out at home, but I felt left out a lot and didn't appreciate it.
As such, I plan to say something to both parties in the near future.
I'm still pretty upset and a little sick from the combination of nachos and a frosted cookie-cake, and probably also a little from stress and just plain out being upset. I called gussie's cell to try and get ahold of her, but it didn't pick up--she's probably at work. I also called her house and thank god her dad picked up on something in my voice and didn't hang up after eloquently answer "no" to: "is gussie home?" I asked him to please have her call me and left a message saying the same on her phone.

I need a hug and someone to sit and watch gravitation or sukisho or loveless or SOMETHING with me.

Soo... Consider this a blog written in MSWord. I don't really like typing them here, because it's really just not the same as actually typing them in LJ, but mom feels the need to check her email at this very moment, even though she's supposed to be showering, so here we are.

 

I've been trying (relatively successfully) to fix my sleeping schedule the past couple days, so I went to bed at 12:30 yesterday, laid in bed for half an hour, then proceeded to sleep crappily until 6:30AM. At 6:30 I woke up, did something in my room (can't remember what), went pee, then attempted to sleep until 7AM. At that point, I was feeling pretty crappy (general headache, nausea, faint heartburn), so I got up to get water and tylenol. The nausea didn't go away for a decent while, but the tylenol did pretty well.

As I was waiting for my headache to go away, I decided to watch cartoons by the following logic:

 

OMG, IT'S LIKE, 7AM, AND IT'S LIKE, SATURDAY!!! I HAVEN'T BEEN AWAKE THIS EARLY ON A SATURDAY IN FOREVER!!!!

And you know what that means...

SATURDAY MORNING CARTOONS!!!!!!!!!!

 

Needless to say, I was pretty excited. Most of this stems from memories of waking up with my dad on Saturday mornings to watch some cartoons, head out yard sale-ing, and have a zinger & Yoo-hoo or two for breakfast. I've always liked watching cartoons on Saturday mornings because of this—I just don't normally wake up early enough.

I kept missing channels 2 and 11 on the TVGUIDE channel, so eventually I jumped online to check the internet-based listings.

Short of Sonic X and Kirby—neither of which are particular favorites of mine, I didn't recognize ANYTHING on for the next two hours. Upon checking the earlier morning listings and later morning listings, I was even further disappointed—Tom and Jerry (WTF?) held channel 11 for an hour, along with 4 misc shows I had never even HEARD of—all topped off with an hour long serving of some brand new Yu-Gi-Oh GX episodes. Channel 2 held only one—brand new—episode of Digimon at 5:30AM... Other line-ups included Winx Club, Ninja Turtles, and Dinosaur King... I didn't even find the anime I never much appreciated such as One Piece or Shaman King.

 

So I got online and spent the morning chatting it up with some hp fans on palace. I had a pretty good time and even made my avatar a purdy new dress! We talked about all kinds of stuff XD I bonded with a girl named Kit and chatted it up with Shayna (who's from Israel!). We talked about Harry Potter and Twilight and I really enjoyed myself. I also decided on a wand for hp character self—12.3 inches, unicorn hair core, with hazel wood.

At one point, we started talking about birthdays, and I was telling everyone how tomorrow, my whole family was supposed to go out to eat at my favorite restaurant. I explained that my parents were divorced and my dad and step mom didn't normally have the money to go out to eat, so it was kind of a big deal.

 

Around 10:30 (or 11:30) mom called dad to work out the details, but he ended up telling her that there had been some miscommunication because Vanessa was working until 7PM tomorrow, but until 2PM today.

Really, this isn't a huge deal, but it got more depressing for me by the minute.

Y'see, dad was offered to work some overtime for muchos dollars an hour tonight at his new job—in the future, it'll be mandatory, but for now, it's optional because he's new. If he works tonight he won't be able to have dinner, however.

And if we do it tomorrow... Vanessa can't come.

On top of this, Vanessa has PMS and is really cranky. And it's even worse because she's had to work all day (she hates it there)

Basically, what that means is that she doesn't really want to go eat with us.

 

I'm really unhappy right now... I feel like, short of dad, nobody really understands why I'm thinking right now—ESPECIALLY not mom, who is more than happy to just do it all tomorrow with just dad, herself, and I.

I feel sometimes like everyone around me is very immature (please, don't take this as me saying I'm not equally as immature sometimes)—and right now Vanessa can't even be mature enough/find it in herself to care enough (again, this isn't to say she doesn't love me...) to suck it up for a little while to celebrate my birthday before I go back to school.

I was also reminded that she doesn't like walking and probably isn't that excited about going shopping with me.

*sigh* I don't know... Whatever, I guess.

Mom has been cranky all day, too.

 

Also, my stupid winamp player isn't working with new skins for some reason. -.- It's ticking me off.

 

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 *more sighing*

...That felt a little better.

(That was me taking my frustrations out on my keyboard, btw.)