Diary of a Cacoon

My, My... It's been a while, hasn't it?

Sun, 08 Nov 2009 23:59:51 GMT

Yes, yes it has. :3

So, here's a brief summary of Amanda's life since the last journal entry:

Stayed at Northwest... Honestly, it is, for the most part, as I feared... But it's not so bad, most of the time--thanks to my dreams, and my friends. (Online, generally)
Got a job at the Academy--Again, I love it there and am obscenely grateful for the job... But it gets lonely sometimes.
Found out that there are programs that will allow me to go to Japan for a short while to teach, before grad school. Decided to pursue! I'll be applying for my passport next semester, and working on the application over the summer.
School, meh.
Shaved my head, in honor of someone, no it's not 'a big deal', no I don't care to explain for the 80 millionth time. XD

But, my friends, here is the real kicker--the reason I am at the keyboard on this night.

I have fallen in love.

I know him as both Bane, online, and Stephen, offline. He is 19, he lives in Canada, and he weaves words together in ways that you could not possibly imagine.
His father if Greek, he commutes to college, and eats way better than I do.

He's beautiful, handsome, strong, intense, powerful, loving, fascinating, intelligent, and giving.

Our music tastes are almost flawlessly matched. Our tastes in other things are almost flawlessly matched.

Now that I've gotten that out of my system... You are probably thinking to yourself; "A man?! But you are a lesbian! D:" which I now hear daily. XD
Yes, I am a lesbian... But I ask you to remember how I have explained my sexuality, to those who have cared to truly ask:
"I have no desire to date a man, I have no physical attraction to 99% of men. I am seeking a relationship with a woman, I find women beyond beautiful... But... If I were ever to fall in love with a man... Well, I would deal with it as it came."
Well, friends, I have fallen in love with a man. XD

I have not met him in person yet, though I would really, really like to. As per another friend's request, I did get him on his webcam, to ensure that he wasn't a 60 year old creeper. XD
To that note, he's very pretty, and precisely as I would've imagined him. <3

But... Truthfully, the real reason I have come tonight... Is because I am holding a secret, and I want to let it free. I have not yet told him of it, and I do not know if I will ever have the courage to.
I have a lot of fears for our relationship, many of which I have told him... But... There is one single, overwhelming fear which all the others seem to stem from.
I am... Something of an impulsive person, sometimes--or rather, I can have an addictive personality, but eventually, I fall out of things. I may spend weeks playing a game with every inch of my person, but then fall out of it suddenly, as other things distract me.

My biggest fear... Is that this is what will happen with Bane. I love him, with all my heart and soul... And I am scared witless at myself, that I should just suddenly wake up one day and think to myself: 'Meh, I don't love him that much... Maybe I never really did.' Especially in the face of desire for him, and love for him, that completely overwhelms me, constantly.
I have fallen hard, and fast, and it scares me, because it has never happened before.

But meh... I guess, my biggest hope for the future, is that that simply never happens. That... Two weeks turns into two months, and two months turn into 6, 6 into a year... Until, some day, I can say something to the effect of; 'But soon, time had flown, and we'd both graduated, and it was time to start a new chapter of our lives together.'

But... I am still scared.

So yahp. That's me in a nutshell. XD
.
.
.
How about you?

The need to be a bit more of an immature emo-kid.

Sat, 23 May 2009 19:44:36 GMT

So... I'm graduating in *checks count-down* 6 days, 9 hours, 39 minutes, and 30 seconds (as of right now).
I'm definitely not sure I'm ready.
I definitely AM sure I really don't freaking want to be at Northwest next year, because I know what's going to happen... The first years that I really like are all either growing apart from me (quickly) or leaving and the second years will be gone. I don't want to be that awkward third year who hangs around all the time and whom people are kind of like: Dang, she needs to move on with her life.
To the regular college students, I'm still going to be "an academy kid"--it doesn't matter how long I stay here or how many classes I take. To anyone who went here while I've been here (and some who are new even), I'm still just an academy kid (unless I hide it, which I shouldn't have to do).
Which, in the friend department... Leaves me with Alex. Who goes home every weekend. (Not that I don't love her to death anyways)

On top of that, mom just bought a new car. A nice new car that we needed... But I don't know.
I'm trying not to be super-immature about this, which is why I didn't say anything to mom (because I KNOW I'm being immature) but... Well, here we go.

So over the summer, I fell in love with ABJDs. I have Allura, but my dream doll has always been Shall from DOD. She'll be around $700 (including an outfit) when all is said and done. I KNOW she's expensive, but I've been saving my money as much as possible to try and pay for her... In change, I have around $50 (which isn't bad, considering I don't typically use a debit card). I believe I have another $40 waiting in my savings account for her, too.
Which means that if I save up a bit more allowance and some pay from this summer... With the money I could get at graduation, I might have had enough to afford her.
Even if I didn't have quite enough, I should still have enough to pick up a couple things for myself that I really wanted (some DVDs and whatnot) and get pretty close to my goal for her.

Except that not long after Shall, I discovered Alienware--the company that I would like to buy my dream-laptop from. Now, at the beginning of the year, mom seriously tossed around buying it for me, and we talked about it a lot, and she was supposed to talk with Grandma and help split the cost between them and it was to be a graduation and 18th birthday present (and maybe some Christmas too). But as the year progressed, mom became more and more distant about it (more and more dodgy when asked). I ignored it, however, because when I was failing my classes and needed something to keep me going... That was it. Honestly, I've never really cared THAT much about school, but normally my parents are enough to keep me going. But this year was rough for me and it took more than that; that laptop was IT.
My friends can attest to my sitting around and sighing longingly (I'm sure it was plenty awkward) at my computer screen for months. I created and recreated variations of builds for the thing at least once a week every week (and typically I would make 5-6 a day on the days I decided to play with it).
I researched the crap out of it even, to make sure we would be getting everything we'd be paying for.

But grandma is cranky and mom doesn't want to talk with her.
And now mom bought a car and (half) jokingly told me we might be eating yogurt for a few months.
And now it's a matter of: 'We'll tell everyone you want money instead of gift cards so that you can put it away for a new laptop.'

So there goes Shall.
And there goes my laptop for quite a while, since I seriously doubt I'll get enough to pay for it.

I just... I don't know. I know I'm being really immature, which is why I didn't tell mom why I sounded so sad on the phone. But at the same time, it's like, you know, I wasn't even freaking good enough to get into my dream college... At least I have control over dreams I can buy, right? Except not really.

And honestly (back to the subject of college), deep down, I'm kind of ashamed to tell people that I'm going to Northwest. Especially my classmates... I mean, everyone in the class nearly knows where I'm going now and no one is staying here but me. When they ask me where I'm going and I have to tell them: "I'm staying here" it's like I might as well be telling them "I was too stupid to apply to fifteen colleges" or "I dreamt too big and wasn't good enough for the places I wanted to go".

I'm just really upset and I wish life worked out the way I wanted it to.

Maybe I'll nap.

sigh

Mon, 16 Mar 2009 07:49:40 GMT

I feel bad for not updating recently and I wanted to have a tiny pity party, even if just for a moment...

That being said:

I'm tired, un-motivated, sitting around at 3AM with a crap-ton of homework and studying left to do, and it sucks. It's my fault, I know, I know, I know... But it still sucks really hard. And I hate it.
Also, I want to go home, sleep for a zillion hours, and let mom take care of me for a few days. (And visit Carleton).

kthxbai.

Well... This hasn't happened in a while.

Fri, 30 Jan 2009 01:54:01 GMT

I realized today that I have a crush on someone. -.-
Unfortuanately, she's straight, has a very loving boyfriend that I approve of, and mer. :/

It's kind of weird, realizing it, because I haven't had a crush in AGES, but I suppose I'll get over it; I mean, I'm leaving in a few months and there's just no way. Anyways, even if I did say something to her, I think it would just make our friendship awkward (like they normally do).

Erm, in other news, I bought 4 Hycaniths (sp) with Kate--we split them; I got the blooming one and a little sprout from it, and Kate got three sprouts, but is going to give two away.

(P.S. No, you probably don't know who I have a crush on O.o And it's not someone I talk about all the time...)

It's Friday already!

Sat, 24 Jan 2009 05:31:24 GMT

Okay, well, it's almost Saturday now!
It didn't really seem like it at first glance, but when I really got to thinking about it, it was a pretty good week!! ^__^

Things that made me smile this week:
1. We passed a guy in the union this week (as we were leaving) who had a shooting star shaved into the side of his head--normally I'm not into that kinda thing, but I thought it was really cool. ^.^
2. "The Cat Returns" OMG--I cannot express how much I ADORE this movie; I just saw it for the first time today, but HOLY COW. I think one of the reasons I like it so much is because I can really relate to the main character. ^.~ Anyways; it's AMAZING.
3. Oogling my potential alienware computer... I suppose that, even if I don't get one in the end, I still LOVE looking at them and daydreaming about one.
4. Finding out that Dream of Doll released the New D.O.T. bodies with the old line of dolls! This means that when I order my Shall, I'll be able to get her with a new body!!! <3<3<3
5. The fact that Abian AND Metanoia updated on the same day! My beloved webcomic masters, thou hast not abandoned me after all! <3 (Kidding, I'm just being dramatic because I'm in a good mood. ^.~)
6. The trailer for the "Illuminated" animated series--It's so awesome! http://illuminated.com/
7. The new DeviantArt profiles! I had seen some betas floating around and I loved them, so I'm super excited they were finally released to the public! <3

Now I'm off to do some homework that REALLY needs done; hopefully if I work hard on it now I won't have piles to do all weekend/Sunday.

P.S. I'm quitting soda >.> I'm so addicted; like, to the point where I took out a two-liter of Coke in a little less than two days. I'm glad to say I'm not addicted to the caffeine, but just the taste rather... Anyways, I want a soda REALLY bad, but I asked everyone to help out and make sure I don't have anymore. -.- I tried a life water today and it was... okay, I suppose. I really wished I liked tea or apple juice or something though -.- I'm already like, I don't want soda per se--I just don'twant water! But oh well *dramatic sigh* Just gotta make it past the three-day hump ^.~

"Amanda Needs"

Sun, 18 Jan 2009 21:53:54 GMT

So, eons ago, I did this thing where you search "YOURNAME needs" on google... And it was kinda cool, so I thought I would do it again. ^__^

"Amanda Needs:"
1. Amanda needs to pee.
2. Amanda needs some direction.
3. Amanda needs to get help busting skulls, not new friends.
4. Amanda needs your vote!
5. Amanda needs a small config change.
6. Amanda Needs Two of Them to Outshine Mrs. Tittle-Tattle.
7. Amanda needs a better storyline
8. Amanda needs to get over it.
9. Amanda needs help! OH BABY!
10. Amanda needs to go shopping.

XD I don't think it's as fun as it was last time, but that's okay. ^__^
You should try it!

La, la, la, laaa...

Sun, 18 Jan 2009 21:30:13 GMT

Well, allow me to start by saying that I have LOTS of homework to do. >.> All from Calculus II, of course.
I'm going to do it, but I SO don't want to... T.T

I suppose what's really on my mind, however, is College. (Yes, it get's capitalized now!)
I'm really, really afraid to leave the happy, nerdy confines of the Missouri Academy. I've grown super-attached to my friends--but, well, how can you not when you live with a group of people for two years?
At the same time, however, I'm really excited for the future. I want to turn 18, venture out into the wide world (as much as I can)to explore, learn, feel, and love... I can't wait to return to choir, get back into tech work, happily take English and Programming classes all day long, join new organizations and make new friends!

-If I end up at Carleton, I want to go see the Accidentals in Concert;
" Anyways, the Accidentals are a group of a cappella-singin' women from Carleton College in Northfield, MN who thrive on their mutual love of song and sisterhood. And chocolate bunnies. Years after our 1991 founding, we still adhere to the mission of our founders and continue to explore the beauty and myster of cheesy 80's music. We also try to include in our repertoire songs that speak to what it means to be a woman and to be a human being. But most of all, we try to have fun with our music and hope our audiences do the same."
-I want to read the Bald Spot:
" The Bald Spot is a satirical newspaper publication that will provide the Carleton community with an outlet for individuals to practice and expand their creative abilities. "
-I want to hang out with the Carleton Anime Society
-I want to visit a couple Carleton In And Out meetings! ("Carleton In and Out (CIAO) is a welcoming, queer centered group open to Carleton's LGBTA and questioning community. We meet every other week to hang out, eat, and discuss all kinds of queer-themed topics. CIAO works to make meetings open, safe, confidential, and welcoming to all.")
-Learn how to use a Naginata
-Attend some Japanese Circle meetings

And the list goes on!
Carleton has so many amazing organizations and people... Anime junkies, gamers, nerds, geeks, artists, muscians, druids, glbts, and more... I'm fascinated by everything that happens there and all the people who help to make it happen.

Other misc facts:
-Oregon Trail was developed at Carleton!
-Streaking is popular, apparently.
-A scene from "D3: The Mighty Ducks" was filmed in the Great Hall in Carleton's Severence Hall.
-The Producer of the Lord of the Rings graduated from Carleton.
-The Cave, the oldest student-run pub in the United States, is a popular hang out for Carleton students.

Awesome Carleton Is video:
http://apps.carleton.edu/admissions/character/carleton_is/

...
I hope I make it...

Sat, 17 Jan 2009 09:28:55 GMT

Oh man... I'm definitely super tired tonight! Which is, of course, precisely why my promised Friday updatage is running late.
Not a WHOLE bunch to say about this week... Most of it should get covered in the things that made me smile.

Things that made me smile this week:
1. Getting back and seeing everyone--especially Ellen, Kate, and Grace.
2. Jessica waking up early on Monday morning to make us 8AM's cinnamon rolls! They didn't get done before we went to class, but they were still delicious a few hours later... And it was such a nice gesture! <3
3. Finishing up the last of my college applications!!! I'M FREE! (Except for the money part, but that's beside the point)
4. This: www.anonymousspace.com/albums/userpics/112625/imagineyouis4.jpg
5. Feeling really smart in my Calc II class, which is full of college students. >.>
6. The future. <3

Other than that...

Well, I started my period. XD And I didn't kill anyone over it!
Oh yes... And I worked out 4 days! I was feeling kinda crappy on Wednesday, so I didn't (and neither did Kate or Ellen because of it, unfortunately), but oh well! I'll try hard to get all 5 days next week. I even worked out today, though I took it REALLY slow and took a jillion breaks and didn't do "awesome abs" because I'm on my period and in muchos painos, but I still tried!

Anyways, I'm off to bed. I worked hard to find an appropriate avatar for such an occassion and I shall use it! Feast your eyes on THAT! (I really did spend like 20 minutes searching for that avatar.)

Feelin' Pretty Good!

Tue, 13 Jan 2009 15:52:26 GMT

Well, I wanted to start updating this a bit more, so I'm going to try!

Anyways, I'm feeling pretty good today. ^__^ I got almost everything I needed to do yesterday done! All I have left to do on my college essays is gather a bit of information from mom and finish up a few short essays (I got all of my transcripts sent--and I even paid northwest's fees for it in cash, so mom wouldn't have to worry about it)

Kate, Kayla, Ellen, and I all exercised yesterday, too! ^.^ We popped in a cheezy workout video and went to! I'm a teensy bit sore today, but I'm confident that I can keep doing it ^__^

PLUS I got eight+ hours of sleep last night >.> Honestly, I'm still a bit tired, but I figure after a week or so of actually getting eight hours, it'll adjust and realize that I don't need 14 hours of sleep to be rested. It's kind of annoying to have to go to bed so early on Sundays, Tuesdays, and Thursdays, but I wake up pretty early on those days because of it, so I still have lots of time to get everything done.

Anyways, I need to put on some pants, make my bed, and get my room opened up--Then it's off to class! I have Calc II and Gov kind of back to back--it's rather nice, actually. I have Calc II from 11-12, and Gov from 12:35 to 1:50.

Well, I'm off!

Some resolutions <3

Sun, 11 Jan 2009 07:52:03 GMT

In honor of my essay, and the start of the new year... I'd like to make some small resolutions to myself.

1. Read more! As of late, my life has become so hectic that I've nearly forgotten the joys of a good book... The author I've chosen to help me out is Cornelia Funke; I've always adored her writing style, so Inkheart, Inkspell, and The Thief Lord will be journeying back with me to school.
2. Leave my door open--So what if people stare in my room when it's open? I don't have anything to hide, and I think my room is pretty awesome.
3. Smile more--Laugh more. I'm going to try and find little things that make me smile each day.
4. Remember to appreciate and be fascinated by everything; nature, technology, etc. It's amazing--appreciate it!

I'd also like to start working out... Right now, I'd like to get up early each day of the week and go jogging/walking, do sit-ups three days a week, and play DDR on the weekends.
I always say this, but well >.> I'm going to keep trying!

I saw something today that I rather liked, too! I saw a blog where, at the end of each week, the person writing the blog wrote down a list of things that had made them smile throughout the week--I think this is a great idea.
Even though it's technically Sunday, I think I'll do it today! After today, however, I'm only going to do this on Fridays (after class lets out)

Things that made me smile this week:
1. Finishing up my "big essay" for commonapp.org! Even though I still have short answer questions to do, finishing that essay was a HUGE weight off my shoulders... Plus, I really, really, REALLY liked it when all was said and done.
2. Saying good bye to everyone on palace--even though it was really sad to say good bye to everyone until Spring Break, everyone was so nice and I had like 5 people tell me they loved me and would miss me. <3
3. Having someone contact me on Deviantart to say that Allura was adorable and that the two of us had had a part in her decided to buy two of the Everpurple Triplets for herself.
4. Talking with a brilliant 6th grader about VAMPY, lesbians, and anime.
5. www.BringTheAwesome.com

I'm a loon.

Sun, 11 Jan 2009 02:45:12 GMT

Sooo... I'm posting my main college essay here because I love it, and I want people to shower me with compliments about it.
(Kidding! XD (mostly.......) )
Erm, anyways, here go you! ^__^ I'm super-duper excited about it... And yes, I realize that an essay should be more than a page and a half, but the minimum is 250 words, so I figure I'm doing pretty good.

A Definite Refusal to Accept the Sheer Normality of "Growing Up"

Three months ago (during the first chilly clutches of November), I began preparing for Christmas. You see, in October of 2008 I was struck by a certain “Christmas Fever;” my life had been a confusing roller coaster for months by that point and I was ready for something I could understand… I found that something in Christmas. My constant festive enthusiasm served me quite well at school and even brought myself and my peers closer together, but once I arrived back home (to my small world of “adults”) I was in for a surprise.

That surprise was that no one in my family seemed excited about Christmas at all (short of my 12 year old step-brother). Even my father, who raised me to be the Christmas-loving fool I am now, seemed to be dreading the fateful day. It did not take long for my frustration with my Scrouge-esque family to mount and eventually, while we were driving away from the final portion of our seasonal shopping epic, I asked my step-mother what her (and everyone else’s ) problem was this year. Her answer, as simple as it was, made me realize a lot of things about myself—to put it short, it was life-changing. She told me that as you grow older, you simply do not like Christmas as much. Later, my mother gave me the same answer to the same question.

The entire thing quickly escalated into a rather heated argument between myself and Vanessa, my step-mom, since we are both rather stubborn people. However, it was the final statement of the argument that will forever stand alone in my memory, as it is something I have since vowed to live by: “Well, then I guess I just refuse to grow up.”

That day, I decided that if growing up meant that I would have to leave behind my childhood, toss away all my enthusiasm for technologic advances, and shed my mental adaptability… Then growing up simply would not be on my life’s agenda. Looking back at it all, it was a simple decision, really, but one that I am happy to say I made.

One of the portions of my argument with my step-mom that led most to my refusal to grow up came when we began to discuss technology. Like many of the adults I surround myself by when I am home, she is a victim of what I like to call “Old Person Romanticism:” the desire to have things back to the way they were “back in her day.” When the subject of technology and our ever-changing world came up, she began to argue that things had changed for the worse; that everything was so complicated nowadays and she really wished that things could be back to how they were when she was a child. Now, I, for one, am a lover of Technology. I feel that our world has incredible potential and I know that we can create many of the things that myself—along with various Science Fiction writers—have dreamed up. More than that, we can probably do it within my lifetime! Because of this, hearing adults like my step-mother complain about today’s technology truly offends me… It is even MORE offensive when they claim they have that right to these complaints simply because they have grown into their Old Person Romanticism. I have decided that I if I live to be one-hundred years old and on the day of my hundredth birthday some amazing, complex, fascinating piece of technology is released to the public, I want to be more than happy to take full advantage of it. If “growing up” means losing that appreciation of technology, then it is not something I want to experience.

Growing up, as most adults define it, seems to me to be a sort of barrier against change. For a child, it seems like nothing when huge changes come into their worlds; they adapt perfectly. Adults, on the other hand, are a completely different story. Unfortunately, in our ever-changing society, adaptability is vital. On a much simpler level, however, being able to change and adapt makes life much more enjoyable—and I certainly want to be able to enjoy my life. I remember when I was younger and the Pokemon T.V. series had just come out… Despite the fact that the show is rather simplistic in comparison to most of the complex plots of today’s television, many of the grown-ups around me at the time complained that the show was just “too complex” and for that reason, stated that they did not like it. To this day, it easy for me to conclude that I am definitely glad I do not think that way, because I LOVE Pokemon. It is amazing to me that sometimes many adults are not willing to accept changes as small as the complexity of a cartoon. The wall that rejects change and seems to come hand in hand with growing up is just one more of the reasons that I refuse to grow up—I want enjoy my life to the fullest and I know that that means accepting whatever changes (large or small) that come my way.

During the conversation I had with my mom about Christmas, she told me that when you grow older, Christmas becomes nothing more than a rush to get everything done, to have enough money, to do well. I was astonished, because to me, Christmas is about giving, loving, and sharing; though it can be stressful at times, the look of happiness on someone’s face when they get the gift they have been waiting for makes up for every little flaw the season may or may not have. Christmas has always been my favorite holiday and I do not want “growing up” to take that away from me. Looking at Christmas from the “adult” perspective seems to make it infinitely complicated, but looking at it my way is simple: Love and be loved. It makes me wonder, since I am obviously not a grown up now, and everyone around me is, if perhaps it is not the world that grows more complex, but our minds instead--and that shields our perspective like a pair of poorly colored sunglasses. In the end, however, I guess I will never really know, since I do not plan on growing up any time soon.

Heavy Thoughts on Light Places

Mon, 29 Dec 2008 06:36:54 GMT

Lately, I find myself more and more drawn to the world of dreams... It's not that I hate THIS world per se...
It's just that living in a world where you can do ANYTHING is, well, a tempting promise.

I've always been a dreamer, I guess, but sometimes reality sucks us in (as it has me) for LONG periods of time. With the return of money to my life (allowing me to buy ds games, manga, books, etc), combined with the return of Flyff, I begin to long for an alternate reality.
This is, in truth, one of the reasons why I want to live to be an old fart; because I KNOW technology will progress to achieve my dreams soon, I just have to wait for it to get there. And when it does get there, I want to appreciate it... Not just complain about how "complicated things are nowadays" and how much better it was "back in my day."

On that note... I have a fear. I know that if I try (and practice), I can master the art of lucid dreaming--but my fear is that I'll become addicted to it. I mean, there's so many things I want to see and try and experience (many of which are out of the reach of this world, as it stands), and I can do any of them in a dream. So why not just stay there?

I guess being away from my friends and being around family and college and having a job is making me a bit loopy, but what can you do?

Despite my fear, I think I'm still going to try lucid dreaming (I've read up on it quite a bit and have some techniques I can use)... We'll see what happens.

P.S. You should check out the manga/anime "Air Gear"--If I succeed in lucid dreaming, I'm getting myself a wicked pair of air treks.

One crafty woman!

Tue, 18 Nov 2008 04:26:47 GMT

So... I've become a crafter. I suppose it's a good thing, really, with Christmas coming up and everyone--including myself--being short on money.
In light of this, Christmas presents this year will be hand-made and heartfelt! <3 (with the exception of one or two things that I decided on long ago)

To see my latest craft (a kusudama ball), click on this cut:
So what is a "kusudama ball" you ask? Well, to put it shortly: It's Japanese for "medicine ball", however, these creative little balls are now mostly used for decoration in Japan.
Each ball requires you to fold little squares of paper in to tiny petals for your flower, and each ball is made up of multiple flowers.
The ball I'm making will require 12 flowers and 60 petals all together. ^__^

This picture shows the half of the ball I have finished. ^__^ (so this is 6 flowers and 30 petals!)

The back (this part will be hidden when the two halves are glued together):

An individual flower : ^__^

^*^*^This one looks a bit rough, because, well, I was getting tired when I made it. ^__^"

And finally, and individual petal: (on top of the squares I use to fold them):

So yeah. XD I rather like it--I'm thinking about making some more, should I get the time! ^.^

To see my Christmas Present plans (excluding those for people who visit this blog), check out this cut: ^__^
Whoo, on to the presents!
This one I have planned for someone who may or may not read this entry, so I won't say who it'll be for. ^.^
http://www.diyplanner.com/node/5189
It's a little notebook-style bookmark---I thought it was a great idea! I love annotating books, but don't like the way the annotations look later, so this is a fun way to have a book mark I can write in instead. ^.^

Another friend of mine is getting origami paper. ^__^ She said her favorite color is orange, so I'm doing my best to find some really nice orange/red washi paper! It's convenient that she likes that color, actually, since it's a popular "asian paper" color. XD

I also came across these adorable little creatures the other day:
dollmaker.nunodoll.com/cat/terrycat.html
Aren't they ADORABLE?
All for the cost of a terrycloth rag from wal-mart! I'll be making these for three people I think; Ellen, Amanda Baker, and Grace. I know they're kind of silly, but I know that all three of them like cats, cute things, and small things... So hopefully they'll like these little kitties. ^__^ I have to play the "favorite color" game with them though! XD

I also think that I may make a really pretty kusudama ball for mom. She didn't tell me what she wanted for Christmas, and I know it's kind of a silly gift I guess, but hopefully my instincts are right and she'll like it.
I'm planning on coating the paper with nailpolish, to achieve pretty, sparkly colors!
These are the colors I plan on using:

You can't see the colors extremely well, but hopefully the point has been gotten across. XD I'll also be using white ^__^ and the same style beads for the bottom that I used on mine.
So yeah! That's my crafting fun for the next few weeks. ^__^ Hopefully I'll be able to get everything I want done--and a little more! <3
((Allura wanted to say hi, but the camera was super-blurring her, so no pictures of her tonight. T.T))

Barking Dogs and Sensitive Ideals

Wed, 17 Sep 2008 21:44:28 GMT

" I am 17 and, in this country, I am not legally considered an adult. Honestly, I've seen more porn than half the guys I know and opened my mind to more concepts than most people ever dare to accept. I've been in college for a year now and this year, when I graduate, it will be with an Associate's Degree of Science at the college I attend.

I've still got a long way to go, but certainly not as far as some 18 year old arranged-marriage, conservative, bible-thumping white male that graduated from my high school.

Quite frankly, I like to think of myself as a smart kid, and at 17, there's not much that's going to upset my "sensitive ideals". A nipple is not going to make me pee my pants and neither is a bare thigh. Seeing an image with lots of blood doesn't invoke a homicidal rage in me.
If any sort of violence or immoral compulsions are to be invoked in me, it will be of the vocal sort towards those who insist on censoring the world so that it fits their lovely, perfect-suburban standards. "

I wrote that today and kind of liked it... Thought I might share. ^__^ It was in response to this journal on deviantart:
http://mjranum.deviantart.com/journal/20534741/

P.S. In the middle of updating my journal... That's why my icons have disappeared XP I haven't found a set I particularly like to replace them yet.

It's been the longest and shortest 4 years of my life.

Fri, 22 Aug 2008 09:14:26 GMT

It dawned on me tonight--that I'm a senior. I feel like time is zooming past me, and suddenly I wouldn't mind doing it all again.

Thank you!

Sun, 17 Aug 2008 21:56:05 GMT

My day has been made--Thank you Kate. <3

You don't know it yet, but you're getting invited over for fetticioni because of your sheer awesome.
Also, mom doesn't know it either, but she will as soon as she STOPS VACUUMING (crazy OCD woman.)!

<3<3<3<3<3<3
^_____________________________________________________________________^

Feeling a tad better.

Sun, 17 Aug 2008 11:14:35 GMT

So yeah, like... I adopted dragons from that dragon cave place--
http://dragcave.net/
--
Here they are:
It'd be swell if you could take like, 2 minutes to click on them. O.o It makes them happy.

P.S. It says they're unnamed right now... I'll name them when they hatch. o.o

Meh.

Sun, 17 Aug 2008 01:45:56 GMT

OIJOSIJJSKJDLJSDOIJSDFS. UGH.

So, I am presented with a dilemma. I gave this link to the people close to me, whom I trust with all of my life. No one from school, short of people like Natasha and Alex, have it. It isn't a link I give out lightly--especially not to those close to me.

I do not use it with the intent to make people mad, or frustrate everyone.
It's for myself, not everyone else. If I DO make a post regarding someone else, I make it really, really obvious to that person. However, I've only done this once or twice, and those posts were... Well, they were dramatic, to say the least.

Let me repeat that one: THIS FOR MYSELF.
And, to be even more honest and blunt with myself: The only reason other people have this link is because I like being reassured, and sometimes the easiest way to get that is via internet.

The dilemma is that someone close to me has taken information here and used to get mad at me/against me. I had a frightening moment where I almost made previous journal entries private because my feelings were so hurt--and they still are; don't get me wrong. However, I decided against it. And I will continue to use this small area of the web as I wish, because why:
Because it's mine.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Anyways, you can probably tell that my day hasn't gotten much better. I didn't have a bad time at Qdoba and when Dad, Mom, and I hung out at home, but I felt left out a lot and didn't appreciate it.
As such, I plan to say something to both parties in the near future.
I'm still pretty upset and a little sick from the combination of nachos and a frosted cookie-cake, and probably also a little from stress and just plain out being upset. I called gussie's cell to try and get ahold of her, but it didn't pick up--she's probably at work. I also called her house and thank god her dad picked up on something in my voice and didn't hang up after eloquently answer "no" to: "is gussie home?" I asked him to please have her call me and left a message saying the same on her phone.

I need a hug and someone to sit and watch gravitation or sukisho or loveless or SOMETHING with me.

Frustration.

Sat, 16 Aug 2008 18:48:18 GMT

Soo... Consider this a blog written in MSWord. I don't really like typing them here, because it's really just not the same as actually typing them in LJ, but mom feels the need to check her email at this very moment, even though she's supposed to be showering, so here we are.

I've been trying (relatively successfully) to fix my sleeping schedule the past couple days, so I went to bed at 12:30 yesterday, laid in bed for half an hour, then proceeded to sleep crappily until 6:30AM. At 6:30 I woke up, did something in my room (can't remember what), went pee, then attempted to sleep until 7AM. At that point, I was feeling pretty crappy (general headache, nausea, faint heartburn), so I got up to get water and tylenol. The nausea didn't go away for a decent while, but the tylenol did pretty well.

As I was waiting for my headache to go away, I decided to watch cartoons by the following logic:

OMG, IT'S LIKE, 7AM, AND IT'S LIKE, SATURDAY!!! I HAVEN'T BEEN AWAKE THIS EARLY ON A SATURDAY IN FOREVER!!!!

And you know what that means...

SATURDAY MORNING CARTOONS!!!!!!!!!!

Needless to say, I was pretty excited. Most of this stems from memories of waking up with my dad on Saturday mornings to watch some cartoons, head out yard sale-ing, and have a zinger & Yoo-hoo or two for breakfast. I've always liked watching cartoons on Saturday mornings because of this—I just don't normally wake up early enough.

I kept missing channels 2 and 11 on the TVGUIDE channel, so eventually I jumped online to check the internet-based listings.

Short of Sonic X and Kirby—neither of which are particular favorites of mine, I didn't recognize ANYTHING on for the next two hours. Upon checking the earlier morning listings and later morning listings, I was even further disappointed—Tom and Jerry (WTF?) held channel 11 for an hour, along with 4 misc shows I had never even HEARD of—all topped off with an hour long serving of some brand new Yu-Gi-Oh GX episodes. Channel 2 held only one—brand new—episode of Digimon at 5:30AM... Other line-ups included Winx Club, Ninja Turtles, and Dinosaur King... I didn't even find the anime I never much appreciated such as One Piece or Shaman King.

So I got online and spent the morning chatting it up with some hp fans on palace. I had a pretty good time and even made my avatar a purdy new dress! We talked about all kinds of stuff XD I bonded with a girl named Kit and chatted it up with Shayna (who's from Israel!). We talked about Harry Potter and Twilight and I really enjoyed myself. I also decided on a wand for hp character self—12.3 inches, unicorn hair core, with hazel wood.

At one point, we started talking about birthdays, and I was telling everyone how tomorrow, my whole family was supposed to go out to eat at my favorite restaurant. I explained that my parents were divorced and my dad and step mom didn't normally have the money to go out to eat, so it was kind of a big deal.

Around 10:30 (or 11:30) mom called dad to work out the details, but he ended up telling her that there had been some miscommunication because Vanessa was working until 7PM tomorrow, but until 2PM today.

Really, this isn't a huge deal, but it got more depressing for me by the minute.

Y'see, dad was offered to work some overtime for muchos dollars an hour tonight at his new job—in the future, it'll be mandatory, but for now, it's optional because he's new. If he works tonight he won't be able to have dinner, however.

And if we do it tomorrow... Vanessa can't come.

On top of this, Vanessa has PMS and is really cranky. And it's even worse because she's had to work all day (she hates it there)

Basically, what that means is that she doesn't really want to go eat with us.

I'm really unhappy right now... I feel like, short of dad, nobody really understands why I'm thinking right now—ESPECIALLY not mom, who is more than happy to just do it all tomorrow with just dad, herself, and I.

I feel sometimes like everyone around me is very immature (please, don't take this as me saying I'm not equally as immature sometimes)—and right now Vanessa can't even be mature enough/find it in herself to care enough (again, this isn't to say she doesn't love me...) to suck it up for a little while to celebrate my birthday before I go back to school.

I was also reminded that she doesn't like walking and probably isn't that excited about going shopping with me.

*sigh* I don't know... Whatever, I guess.

Mom has been cranky all day, too.

Also, my stupid winamp player isn't working with new skins for some reason. -.- It's ticking me off.

Ih]

=fhwjvdspi'jqaospijdposaidiwahn'pfeakh})qhb

Pavifdbs] 0eiqbsfohao[sajhiosjlkjiaaiSAFHIADIHU[AOGNDAM[OSN.

*more sighing*

...That felt a little better.

(That was me taking my frustrations out on my keyboard, btw.)

College craziness

Fri, 15 Aug 2008 18:52:10 GMT

For those of you who have been on the hunt in the past, or are currently, you may know what I mean. o.o
I feel like just thinking about college makes my life hectic o.o I picked up on another college yesterday--Macalester. I had recieved brochures from this college before but, because the pile of worthy brochures (brochures of colleges that weren't trying to send me CRAP and whose location I enjoyed which didn't mention religion or sports right off the bat) had grown considerably... I conviently lost them all.
HOWEVER, today Macalester came up on my princeton-fueled radar once more!
Here's how it ranks in some categories that matter to me:

#6	Gay Community Accepted
#11	Lots of Race/Class Interaction
#14	Most Politically Active Students
#16	Least Religious Students
#20	Most Liberal Students
#7	Best Quality of Life

Okay, well, that's really just how it ranks in general, but most of those ARE categories that matter to me.
It has both of my minors and major, also!

Because I like figuring things out, here's how my classes would figure out:
English:

Japanese:
Beginning/Elementary japanese 1 & 2 (my benefit)
1) Two intermediate level Japanese courses: JAPA203 and JAPA204
2) Two advanced level Japanese courses: JAPA305 and JAPA306
3) Three additional courses with focus on Japan (including at least one Asian Languages and Cultures course. Contact the department for acceptable courses.)
So thats... 10 courses.

Computer Science:
Any five courses in computer science numbered 120 and above, one of which must be 221. (Note: Credit can be awarded for only one of the introductory courses 120, 121, 123.)
Phht---5 courses? O.o

English: (( Gussie, you can major in english with a creative writing emphasis here! *wink wink nudge nudge* It's expensive, but maybe you could apply anyways, for fun. ^________^ ))
10 classes which meet a bit lits of requirements.

So overall, I'll need to take about 25 courses over 4 years--NOT BAD! ^__^

I mean, the academy had us taking freaking 20 courses (including seminar and colliqium) over 2 years, so this should be easy--especially considering they're all courses I have AN INTEREST in. ^___^
I'm very excited--Macalester is looking very promising. ^.^

It's in Minnesota, btw.

'Cause you had a bad day...

Tue, 12 Aug 2008 20:37:53 GMT

I stayed up way later than I should of again last night--I told myself I was going to set my alarm for noon, no matter what.
. . .
At 8AM noon because 1PM.
*sigh* Then when 1PM rolled around, I flipped the off switch, rolled back over, and that was that.
Luckily, I DID bring myself to get up at two, when mom stomped in to ask me which test I was taking again, and how much does it cost?!?! She was going to let me go back to sleep, but conjuring the price for the ACT out of my sleepy mind was enough mental cognition to awaken me.

And that, right there, is precisely how my day started. Lovely start, wasn't it?

Then, after I woke up, I went to go pet the kitty while mom talked on the phone with Dee (a secretary at the academy). After she got done, she was like, "So Dee says she's pretty sure there's a test date at Northwest on October 25th."
I responded that I had to take this test date because I HAVE to have my scores so I can apply for colleges.
However, part of the real reason is because if I screw up this ACT, I HAVE to have a fallback. What happens if I take it and I like, barley get a 26?? I need to get as high as possible--A 29 is preferable, a 30 is happy time.
Also, if I were to take the October test date, what would happen if something went wrong with my scores and I didn't get them in time? I mean, it says on the websites scores for that test can take until December 29th--Crap, my application for NYU is due Jan. 1st, you know?

Then came the blame.

As soon as I said that she got even madder and started telling me how we didn't have the money for this and already she had to pay for my trip back to school (where she kindly elaborated that she was gonna have to pay for gas--we're taking our own car and you're not packing as much stuff as you came home with!!!!!!!!--and probably a hotel, and food, and a babysitter for the dog), then she started complainging about my birthday, because I want her to spend $14 so the two of us, Dad, Vanessa, and Zach can go eat at Qdoba. Then she started yelling, and almost crying because she doesn't even have enough money to "buy me a present".
Needless to say, I didn't know what to say--what can you say? It's NOT MY FAULT.
She spent a while yelling at me for not reminding her about the ACT---It went kind of like this:

Mom: IF YOU WOULD FREAKING REMIND ME MORE THAN THE FREAKING DAY OF THE TEST!!!
Me: I HAVE!!!
Mom: NO YOU HAVEN'T!!!!
Me: YES. I. HAVE. I'VE BEEN REMINDING FOR THE PAST TWO WEEKS WE HAVE TO GET SIGNED UP! AND I TOLD YOU ABOUT IT MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!
Mom: ... Well, YOU DIDN'T REMIND ME I WAS GOING TO HAVE TO PAY FIFTY DOLLARS FOR THE STUPID THING!!!
Me: MOM, I'VE TAKEN IT ALREADY!!! YOU PAID FOR IT THEN! AND I TOLD YOU WHEN I TALKED WITH YOU ABOUT TAKING THE ACT AND SAT!!!
Mom: YOU EXPECT ME TO REMEMBER THAT?!?! I THINK I SENT YOU WITH A CHECK--YEAH, I SENT YOU WITH A CHECK TO SCHOOL THAT DAY!!!! YOU DIDN'T EXPECT ME TO PAY $50 THAT VERY MOMENT!!!
Me: Mom, WE MAILED IT.

Further conversation didn't involve the ACT, or wasn't in Caps Lock. Another source of her anger ($50 that very moment) is that, since we're signing up online and she doesn't have her new credit card, she has to use a debit card, and the transaction is going to go through immediately.
Honestly, I think she went and got herself a temp credit card, or worked something out but hasn't told me, because she hasn't gone to the bank to put money in her debit account, bu we signed up anyways. She was on the phone with the woman who works her credit card beforehand.

At one point she also started to blame dad and me at the same time--It was something along the lines of 'how come I never ask my dad for anything, and just expect her to pay for freaking everything'. That died down pretty quick though. As in, as soon as that statement left her mouth.

I feel like she's looking for any where to put this money blame but on herself. She can BARELY afford this house, me, the animals, and herself at the same time. On top of that, she's probably angry because both Grandma and I didn't really want her to buy the house because of the financial situation it would put us in. I TOLD her, "Mom, I would much rather live super-comfortably in a small house and move than I would be pressed for money all the freaking time." Grandma didn't understand why she wanted the stupid house either, as I recently found out. And now, it feels like our fears are beginning to be confirmed.
Don't get me wrong, nothing bad is going to happen--Mom will work it out, but that doesn't make the journey any less craptastic.

Mom also doesn't understand that I'm also just as stressed as she is, in different ways. Despite myself, I'm really worried about the ACT--I know I've already taken it once, but it was so long ago... And will be a hugely deciding factor in some of the colleges I apply to.
On top of that, I HAVE to do well in school this semester--Yes my classes are relatively easy, yes I should be able to do well, but you never know...
There's also my heavy class load next semester, which is another huge source of stress. I wasn't able to take an extra class this semester because of my GPA, so now I'm stuck taking almost 19 credit hours second semester. And what happens if they don't all fit on my schedule? What do I do then???
And I STILL don't have enough colleges to apply to. I just found another--Scripps--which I rather like, but I feel like 4 isn't enough... I mean, what if I don't get in to any of them? What if they all reject me? Then I'm absolutely screwed. And again, if I don't do well this semester, and on the ACT, the chances of my financial aid rewards being high go down the drain--and if I don't get high awards, it doesn't matter if I get accepted--I can't go.
Why? Because mom has put all of the stress for paying for college ON ME, rather she knows it or not.

I don't know.
I'm stressed and tired and upset and hungry, but I feel like I'm going to throw up at the same time (( stressed, tired, and upset will do that to you )). Honestly, right now I can't wait for mom to leave for work. I just want to sit home, alone, on my computer, and talk with my friends.

In other news, in happier places:
I made myself a plus-size avatar for palace. She kinda looks like me. XD I had fun making her though.
This is it little image shows all the pixel work I've done for palace in the last day or so:

Before you 'oooh' and 'aaah' I wanna talk about it for like, 5 seconds.
First off, it's done in the 8bit palace pallette--which is why you see all those little blocks of color everywhere. I DID NOT make the blocks of color--I brought them over from phalanx so I had something to work with.
Also, aside from the clothing, nothing is made completely from scratch. Palace is pretty lax on credit, which is why nothing here has credit--nothing came creditted.
In spirit of this, anything you see that says "original" somewhere near it was, well, the original--what I started editing from.
And finally, the head on there is not anything I MADE. I recolored the hair to be a color color to mine and I replaced her original face with a more attractive one (in my opinion... The original face was cutsey and looked AWFUL brunette).

So yeah... That's about all I have to say for the day. Now I'm going to go wait for mom to get back...

I'm going to take a moment to be emo here...

Thu, 07 Aug 2008 22:16:22 GMT

O.o Haven't updated in a while because I've been busy playing on palace. I'm normally doing something or talking with someone whilest I'm there, so I haven't been doing much else. XD
But anyways... I want to take a moment to be emo because, well, I need to express my thoughts at the moment, and don't feel like "talking" about it.

As the summer draws to a close, I feel like more and more people are leaving the Academy. To me, it seems like all the good ones are going :/ The people who are just there to get ahead in life, and for superficial things, are the ones staying.
This is over-dramatic to say the least, since I'm only referring to three people, but well, I'm not over-dramatic that often anyways.
Olivia was the first one to leave--I'm not super-good friends with her, but she's incredibly sweet and I love her to death. She's very down-to-earth, but was struggling with classes (and possibly money, due to her grades). Next came Natasha, who's mom pulled her out after she almost came to live with myself or Alex. Finally, I found out that Pixie (real name alex, nick name: pixie because there are too many alex's at the academy) isn't coming back either last night. I felt like I was going to cry--Pixie is a nerdy but adorable, short-pink-haired girl that probably would have been on my floor. As far as I know, she was going to room with Natasha.
Pixie and Olivia both left, at the core of things, because it was easier to go back to high school. I can't help but think the same thing, myself. It WOULD be easier to go back to high school. Easier and cheaper, and I could stay and home and goof off all the time. Use the internet as much as I want, be with my pets and mom, etc. In fact, I could probably even graduate a semester early--As of right now I've taken Biology, Microbiology, Chem 1 & 2, English comp 1 & 2, Western Civilizations, Pre-calc, and Calculus 1. WIth my two years of classes at fox, that covers almost all of my credits. :/ I could probably get away with taking half-a-day's worth of classes, honestly. All I really need is two gym classes.

However, I want to go back to the Academy more than I want to go back to Fox. I just can't imagine going back to those dull classrooms after having been in college for a year. Nor can I imagine riding the bus to school, or back home from it. The idea of not eating when I feel like it, or not necessarily having to go to class at 8AM sucks.
But the biggest reason why I feel I need to hold out and fight this off is because I don't feel like I belong at Fox.
When I came to the Academy and they warned us that we were probably going to mature faster than our friends back home--which would create a barrier, to some extent--I didn't really believe them. However, when I went to Lisa's graduation party, I realized it was true. It was so much easier to connect and chat with the seniors (who had just graduated) that I barely knew than it was to connect with friends, and people from my class. I can't help but worry that if I go back to Fox, I won't be able to bridge that gap with more than one or two people. Though I'm worried I won't be able to make any new friends this year at the Academy, I'm far MORE worried I won't be able to retain any friends at all at fox. (Short of Gussie, no one has really made a large effort to contact me. I know I would stay friends with her at Fox, but she's so busy that I don't know how good it would be for either of us--If I wasn't able to keep my friends/readjust, it wouldn't be far of me to put all my friendship needs on her).

I'm feeling kind of depressed about it all, and right now I sort of feel like I just don't belong anywhere. Hopefully, I'll be able to use this year to form even closer bonds with the friends I have left there. Despite my ability to THINK that, it just doesn't make me feel any better. :/

Anyways, Imma head off... Go play on palace and get some food--I haven't eaten since 10PM yesterday and haven't been hungry, but now my stomache is starting to growl, so I better go eat.

Characters!

Tue, 22 Jul 2008 06:28:01 GMT

So, all this reading of Abian's amazing detailed world has made me wish to do a fancy character of my own!
The character was created for the world of Harry Potter and is to be used (mainly) on Palacechat hp palaces. (( The other reason I wish to know lots about her is because I wish to apply for her to be an animagi, and I want to be prepared to tell the staff WHY if asked )).

So let's do a basic bio:

Name: Kaida Tsh'aara
**Kaida means "Little Dragon," a name given to her by her godmother. Tsh'aara is actually the last name of the grandparents of Kaida's godmother. (More later!)
Age: (an exceptionally mature) 14
Height: 5'4"
Weight: 115 lbs
**I have a specific body shape for her in mind--I'm not entirely sure I can describe it, so here it is: (there's a couple pictures, to give you a good idea--they're all anime girls XD)
http://www.advancedanime.com/pictures/542j764.jpg
http://www.advancedanime.com/pictures/group01.jpg
In short, she's got a pretty average body. She's not exceptionally curvy, not is she exceptionally thin. Though I didn't think about it too much, her breasts are probably a B-cup. Looking closely at her, it almost looks as if she may some day have some curves to grow into (however, I can guarantee you she won't. Aside from being around 5'6 by the time she's 17, there's not much growing to happen XD)
Blood-type: AB
**This may or may not come into play later in her life.
Eye color: A medium-blue color
**23 on this chart: http://www.megamidoll.com/ED/sweetychart.jpg
**The color is extremely vibrant and has been known to stand out dramatically in pictures--sometimes even in black and white photos. (No one has every quite understood this, but it's been happening since Kaida was born).
Skin tone: Technically, an off-peach/general Caucasian skin tone color. However, she tans easily and often--her tanned skin tone is a very light, but warm mocha color. (I have the marker, if you'd like to see! XD) Her skin tone is only it's natural color when she becomes ill and for a few days throughout the winter.
Hair color: Naturally, it's a strawberry brown sort of color. (( **Fifth color from the left here: http://www.funfolly.com/g/w/wsample4d.gif )) Kaida has been dying her hair for a long time now, however, and it is never it's natural color. Luckily, she always dies it in the same manner: It's edges to about her neck sport a beautiful, deeply colored rainbow. The colors start with yellow on the left side (when she's facing you) and go through orange, red, violet, blue, and finally end with green. A section of long bangs (long enough to be tucked behind her ears) are died a pink somewhere between pale red and hot pink--the remaining portions of her hair are black.
Other: Kaida has a single tattoo (I'll explain it later, since you're probably thinking: wtf? At 14??) from her ankle to mid-calf.
**The tattoo consists of a sort of thorny, viney chain drawn about her ankle--about where you would expect the cuff from a ball-and-chain to lay--however, at the ends of the chain are not connected. One lies in line with the majority of the chain, but the other has been lifted up and travels about 3 inches up her leg. At the end of the disintegrating chain, a simplistic, but beautiful, white bird is flying away, the last bits of the chain falling from it's left foot.

And nooowww... For the fun part! On to Kaida's life.

   Kaida was born to a set of very loving, albeit superstitious, parents. The day she was born a priest was nearby to bless her, and during pregnancy all sorts of (unheard-of) Christian rituals were preformed to ensure the child would be healthy, strong, and free of influence from the devil and other evil forces. Her parents named her "Isabella" (which means "My God is a vow"--another attempt by her parents to please their deity of choice), and religiously (no pun intended!) for her to have a good, successful life. The day of her birth was a happy one: her parents finally believed that God had given them a child (for they had had many failed tried previously). The birthing room was full of smiles, pats on the back, and deflating shiny balloons proudly proclaiming the birth of the Williams' first child.
**If you're not following, that would make her birth-name "Isabella Williams"**
   Standing in the hospital with the joyous family that day was Katherine O'ranna, the woman who would soon be named Isabella's godmother. She and Shelly, the happy new mother, had been friends for an exceptionally long time. Katherine kept Shelly in line, helping her to make decisions without some of the crazy (superstitious) thoughts she often had. Though the two disagreed for the most part, Shelly was generally a timid enough character that arguments never lasted too long.
   Baby Isabella was a brilliant child. By the time she was a year old she was speaking at the pace of someone three times her age and could successfully communicate just about anything she wanted. Her vocabulary wasn't exceptionally expansive, but she knew the names of food she liked to eat, local wildlife, house-hokd needs, and her parents. Though ever-so-slightly perturbed by their child's abnormal quickness of mind, Mr. and Mrs. Williams liked to just assume that they had been doubly blessed for all of their hard, religious efforts during their lives.
   However, it wasn't long before Isabella began showing some worrying conditions. About right after she was potty-trained (1 1/2 years old), in fact. The reason Isabella's mind began developing in other ways is because, once she had learned to use the bathroom and communicate, her mind became a little bored. And thus, Isabella's magic began to show.
   At first, before the age of two, Isabella's oddities only shown in small ways. She would correct the weather man with unerring accuracy, or move something just a little too heavy for her, or blow out a candle she shouldn't have had the lung power to extinguish.
   Unfortunately, it wasn't long before Isabella began doing more damage than good with her powers. As all children do, Isabella had the occasional temper-tantrum. The first incident happened after Shelly denied her some peanut-butter before bed (it was a favorite treat of hers--she had always preferred it over sweets)--in a fit of anger, little Isabella screamed, and as she did so, proceeded to blow the fuse-box.
   Though frightened, her parents pretended not to notice the exceptional timing of the electricity and had it fixed the next day.
   These incidents continued to happen, however--the TV would change channels with baby Isabella wasn't allowed to watch what she wanted, food jars would slide off the counter when Shelly couldn't seem to get a meal out fast enough, the bathtub would drain when their child didn't wish to bathe.
By the time Isabella was two and a half, the Williams' were thoroughly frightened of her. In a vain attempt to stop what could only be Satan's influence, the hauled her to the local preacher, who attempted to exercise the evil from her (the main had absolutely no experience with such things, but rather, need a few extra dollars--which the Williams' had a plethora of). The "exorcism" never worked, and a week before Isabella's third birthday, her parents began to discuss of ways to dispose of her.
Though Shelly had communicated her fears to Katherine, who saw the child around once a month, Katherine had no idea that things had grown so severe. The night before her child's birthday, Shelly called Katherine to sobbingly confess their plans to burn the child alive the next day. Every detail was planned out; what materials they would use (down to the brand), how many crosses would go into the fire, what the child would wear (nothing--her clothes and belongings would be burnt separately), and even where the mostly-burnt body would be placed afterwards.
The next morning, when Katherine arrived to take Isabella, no one complained, but poor Shelly, still sobbing (it almost seemed as if she had never stopped after exiting the phone conversation with Isabella's godmother), told Katherine that they would completely sign over custody of the child to her, but after that--the two of them wished to have absolutely not contact with her, or the 'Satan-spawn.'
   You see... fear makes good people do bad things. And when you're filled with as much fear as the Williams' held, well, horrid things are just waiting to happen inside of you.

    Wishing to sever as many of the child's ties to the Williams as possible, Katherine went out within a month of receiving the child and having custody given to her and had her first name changed to "Kaida," little dragon. Though she desperately wanted to also change the child's last name, instinct told her to wait--the decision would be Kaida's when she was of age.
    The next few years of Kaida's life were full of happiness, fun, and most importantly: knowledge. Katherine was far from afraid to answer any question the child had for her and was educated enough to have the answer for those questions.
    Katherine was a widow, her husband having died very early in her first (and last) marriage, and his family, being wealthy, had agreed to support the late wife of their son. Though Katherine didn't live like a queen, she wanted for nothing, and could comfortably support her new addition to the family (which previously contained only herself and one large, spoiled, black cat).
    Kaida grew quickly, both in mind and body, during that time. Katherine often took her outside to go on walks, playgrounds, or visit to local attractions like zoos, gardens, or caves.
    Don't let this deceive you into thinking that Kaida's strange powers had stopped, however. On the contrary, they often appeared when they were least expected. And by the time Kaida had reached the age of seven, Katherine knew she had to do something for the child.
    Now, Katherine had no experience with wizards or magic. As a child, she had been a day-dreamer, and read many, many fantasy novels, but the truth was--she had no idea what was going on. However, she used the only word she knew to describe Kaida's "gift": Magic. With this single, correctly guessed term, Katherine began searching for someone who could help her daughter. (Though Katherine had explained to the child that she was not her biological mother, Kaida insisted on referring to her as such, and Katherine was, in fact, truly honored to refer to the girl as her own child. )
    Many hack magicians were booted to the street before Katherine's searches finally led her to a very important man in her search: Mr. Howl Olendorf (the man had one heck of a name, that was for sure!). Mr. Howl (who insisted on being called "Richard," his middle name) took one look at young Kaida and had to sit down. After Katherine gave him the short-version of the girls life, and some of the incidents that had occurred, Richard was silent for a few moments, before solemnly informing Katherine that the laughing child on the floor was a muggle-born wizard.
    Richard himself was no wizard--however, he was a squib. He had been banished from his home years ago, but had made use of himself as a business man--he knew just about everyone important there was to know, and had connections with everyone. No one was entirely sure what he did, but he certainly seemed to be good at whatever it was.
    Richard recommended a sort of magic-tutor for the girl--a surprisingly close one, in fact. Who knew there were easily accessible wizards in Colorado? Anyways, it was arranged that Kaida meet with the tutor three days a week; Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, and would continue with homeschooling via her godmother. (Katherine had never felt comfortable sending her child to the local school district, where the children were known for being rather harsh, and the parents for being rather apathetic)
    It wasn't long before little Kaida was learning a whole plethora of spells and other magical subjects. The tutor decided not to educate the child in the ways of the wizarding world, since it was never assured that she would even have contact with it. And, though Katherine now knew that there were wizards, she had no idea they had their own society.
    By the age of ten, Kaida was a pretty formidable child. Using his better judgment, however, her tutor decided only to teach the girl useful spells with which she could control her magic or better her life. Until her official schooling, Kaida would have no idea of the horrors that could also be committed with her gift.

    Several important things happened around this age. For one, Kaida's mother now allowed her to express herself in whatever manner she pleased. (You have to remember--when I said that Kaida was mature--she was REALLY mature. She acted more like a tame 16 year old than a ten year old!) And so, when Kaida asked to die her hair, Katherine agreed. Within a year, Kaida settled on her most current rainbow-colored arrangement. By that point she had learned to die the hair herself, under her mother's watchful eye, and would die it as soon as her sore-thumb roots began to show.
    At the age of ten, Katherine also told Kaida about her past. After a long night of concentration, Kaida drew a simplistic image of a bird flying away from a thorny chain. She showed it to her mother and explained that it was Kaida's representation of her freedom from her parents. The image hung on the fridge for several months, Kaida staring intently at it each day. About 3 months after the image had been drawn, Katherine found Kaida drawing a crude version around her ankle with a sharpie. The determination in Kaida's eyes was unmistakable, however, as she proudly told her mother: "I never want to forget."
   Soon afterwards, and after much discussion, Katherine took Kaida to a slightly-less-than-legal tattoo parlor, where the image was placed skillfully upon her small leg. (Luckily, Kaida's legs never grew too much, and though the tattoo faded a bit, it didn't change too much throughout her life). Though the pain was nearly unbearable for the child, she walked out with a smile on her face.
    The final important event upon Kaida's birthday was the gift of knowledge. The wizard she had been taking lessons from had taught her he felt she needed to know for now--but thought that she would be able to conquer one final piece of knowledge--the transformation of an animagus. The man himself had had much experience with studying the transformation, but had never succeeded in it for himself. He felt compelled to at least share his knowledge with Kaida, as she seemed to thirsty for it.
   However, Kaida never seemed to have a success with transforming, and by the end of her 10th year, her tutor was sure that she, like himself, would never achieve the transformation. He also realized that, in the end, he had simply been pushing his dreams upon a child much to young for them.
   Kaida's eleventh birthday was happy, but Kaida herself was distracted all day. Finally, at the end of the day she admitted to her godmother two things:
1. She wanted to change her last name to Tsh'aara--the name of her godmother's grandparents, who she deeply respected and had heard many heroic stories of.
and 2. That her greatest wish was to become an animagi.
   Though Katherine could do nothing for the girls latter wish, she took her out the next day for the legal name change. That evening, as Kaida sat in her room testing out her new name, she decided to take one final chance at her transformation.
    When the doorbell rang to reveal a patience young female wizard holding a letter addressed to Miss Kaida Tsh'aara a few minutes later, a lithe, beautiful young doe stumbled down the hallway.

OMG. That was seriously long. O.o There's not a ton more to write--but anyways, yeah. That's Kaida! What do you think? (provided you suffered through my hidiously long story ^__^""" I almost didn't!!! XDXD) Any questions? Holes in the story lines? Feel free to challenge my mind. ^.^

Dollies, Artstuffs, and dog fur!

Tue, 15 Jul 2008 00:01:39 GMT

XD So I don't actually have anything to say, but I thought I would babble.
Points of thought-i-tude right now:
1. I still have no roommate. T.T I wish Sam would call so I can know who she is!
2. I still have no job. I wish Little Ceasar's would call so I could start already! >.< I went in to see the guy last week and he was all "Well, we're still waiting for one person to leave, but we'll definitely be doing some hiring." DUUURRRR. You wouldn't be looking for employees if you weren't hiring. o.= *sigh* He better call soon. T.T I'm already probably not going to have enough money to get my girl by the end of summer.
3. I'm probably not going to have enough money to get my girl by the end of summer... More than likely I'll make $100 a week at the ABSOLUTE most. *sigh* And since he STILL hasn't called to let me know I can start, or if he's even going to hire me, it's just days less that I get paid for.
4. I drew a picture! I decided the world needs less Naruto and Deathnote fanart, and more fanart from shows I like. So I'm fixing this problem by drawing fanart. XD From shows I like.
My first piece was Aisha Clanclan from Outlaw Star! She looks Okay, I suppose (she actually looks better in my dimly lit room when I glance up at her XD), but I'm not extremely pleased with her. Perhaps someone else will though. XD There's not enough non-perverted creepy furry fanart of her out there. O.o Not kidding, you wanna do a search on Deviantart and prove me wrong? >.> <.< Didn't think so.
But yeah, anyways. Right now I have the flat colors laid down, and I'm thinking I may go ahead and start marker shading her soon. ^__^
5. I also think I may do a Burst Angel fanart. I really like fanart of couples done in everyday life, rather than posing or being mushy-gushy. So, I have this vision of Meg and Jo watching TV together, or rather, Meg sleeping on Jo's lap while Jo watches a movie. I was the drawing to be very dark, but more importantly, drawn from above, which is where my challenge will lie. ^__^"
6. I haven't heard from Lexi in days! T.T I keep texting her to tell her she should get online, but so far I haven't gotten any responses at all. :( I sent her a bunch of dollie clothing designs (she offered to sew some clothes for my girl!) and originally wanted to harass her about them, but now I just miss talking with her. T.T And Ari hasn't been on a super-large amount either, and hasn't really been talking with me much when she is online...
T.T Saaddd....
7. To people I owe drawing-presents: I swear I'll do it soon!!! I swear. >.> <.< I need to get out of my drawing death phase first though. O.o Aisha was the first thing I've been able to suffer through in like, a month. T.T I keep starting a drawing, then going: "YUCK!!!KJSLKJOSIJO:SIJA:LKNUIODHNG)OSNOFHN!" and closing my sketch pad again. XD

Neer... I think that's all for now. XD Hopefully I'll finish Aisha later and post her telling all of you to check her out on my deviantart. Also, I have process-pictures, so those will probably be up in my scraps, too. ^___^

EDIT: I almost forgot. XD In case your wondering about the "Dog Fur" part of the entry title, it's because I just brushed like, a zillion pounds of fur off my ever-shedding dog. I told him we could safely sell him to the fur-coat industry because they'd never have to skin him. Just keep on brushing him--the hair never stops coming out. XD (Then he looked at me all sad and I hugged him and told him that we would never -really- do that!)

ABJDS. ^__^

Wed, 09 Jul 2008 07:35:18 GMT

Just having some thoughts and I figured I would like to put them into words.

When I got into anime (many, many moons ago), I was alone in my interest. Though there were lots and lots of other people who liked it, I found it on my own--I was drawn to it without any outside influence. When I watched outlaw star at 3 or 4 years old, it was because I liked it. When I picked up my first Newtype USA 5 years ago, it was because the magazine intrigued me, not because someone recommended it to me.
Though I love anime and manga, I'm part of a different generation of fans. I'm that artist in their twenties, sitting in an art booth drawing original art as much as fanart. I'm the vendor smiling up at people from behind a manga, selling old school, dusty VHS tapes of anime that people haven't heard of in years. I'm the 1 in 10 who probably really will go to Japan some day, and who really will learn Japanese. 1 in 20 who has fallen in love with the culture outside of anime and cosplay--1 in 30 who really want to learn about it and forever will.
Though I love anime conventions, I'm not the squeeling fangirls who run around in their FF costumes, admiring but never buying. ^__^" I'm not the awesome cosplayer, the school outcast who's glad to be amongst people who make them look normal, or even the person wearing an anime-related t-shirt (at least, not anymore). In fact, I'm one of the few people an outsider feel is safe enough to ask, "WTF is going on?"
However, I feel very immersed in the ABJD community. Though I've only delved in over the past couple days, I really, really love it.
I don't want to spend all my time talking with fellow anime lovers... I want to spend all my time talking with fellow ABJD lovers. I want to get a doll and share my time with it--I want her integrated into my life because they're all so beautiful and deserve wonderful homes.
I couldn't help but think all of this tonight as I entered my bedroom, ready to sleep, but wanting very much to head back over to Den of Angels and go back to participating in discussions, threads, photoshoots, and more. I've never really had that feeling with an anime forum or website--a manga (specifically) or rp, maybe, but never the fandom in general.
I just think it's kinda cool. ^__^